"Set your phasers to stun. It's a safety issue."
Ever since I was a schoolboy, I have been a hopeless Star Trek fan. I even coined the term “Trekkie” (feel free to use that one) to label myself and my star-gazing brethren. As an older man now, just seeing “Star Trek” on the theater marquee is more than enough to make me nostalgic for the glory days…
I can still remember the rage that boiled inside me after the senseless destruction of Alderaan. Why, Darth? What were you trying to prove? Did you really think Leia would reveal the true location of the rebel base? And don’t think I’m letting Grand Moff Tarkin off the hook. He had earned Vader’s good graces and may have been the only one who could talk sense into him before he unleashed the Death Star. I can still hear the millions of terrified screams, just as Obi-Wan felt them reverberate through the Force.
That being said, Star Trek: Into Darkness certainly does not stay true to the sci-fi franchise that made us want to travel to a galaxy far, far away. When it became clear in the first ten minutes that none of my favorite characters would be returning (no Chewey?!?!?!), I finally halted my very audible barrage of complaints that was beginning to get on the nerves of the elf-ear wearing fat couple sitting next to me in the theater.
The film takes place in the twenty-third century, and things are going swimmingly on Earth. Humanity has finally recovered from the disastrous Bush-Cheney-Hot Hot Heat era, and our metropolises are now dotted with super-sleek skyscrapers that dwarf the twentieth century crop. How we were able to build such wondrous cities is beyond me however, given the species’ general demeanor on display in the movie.
Captain Kirk is portrayed by Chris Pine, whose lips remain incredibly soft and kissable throughout. Kirk is young and brash, too cool for school and, get this, doesn’t play by the rules. Pretty much everyone else wants to, however, and this creates the movie’s biggest problem. Every statement muttered by Kirk is met with a “But we can’t [action here]” from whomever he’s speaking with. The two occurrences of a character exclaiming “eye, eye, Captain” will catch you off guard. The lack of give-and-take in the relationships extends to everyone, and yet we’re meant to believe that every human and humanoid alien has come together in peaceful harmony on Earth. That doesn’t seem plausible when everybody treats their fellow man as if they’re in a bad marriage with one another.
So the dialogue is lacking, and has every hallmark of a rushed sequel, writing-by-committee situation. The constant bickering would make the thing unwatchable if it weren’t for the very good acting, excellent at times in fact. The best performance, by a mile even in this very competent cast, comes from Benedict Cumberbatch (also an excellent name for a West Virginia Mountaineers outside linebacker). He portrays John Harrison, a rogue Starfleet operative implicated in the bombing of the group’s London base. Kirk is charged with tracking Harrison down with kill-on-site orders, once his location is discovered to be the homeworld of an alien race named after a fabric softener.
John Harrison is a rarity for action films: a brute-force-based villain would make you shake in your shoes regardless of their apparent physical dominance. He’s the human version of the Terminator, whose apathy towards others is not rooted in ignorance or hatred, but a terrifying history.
Harrison becomes the movie’s central character far too late in the runtime, unfortunately, and we’re forced to sit through an hour of bickering just to get to him. His frighteningly deep, monotone voice wills his dialogue into the realm of something you at least want to listen to. His action-sequences are the most bone-crushing. I’d be all for a sequel with Mr. Cumberbatch as the screen time leader, or maybe could be talked into one where the characters had anything interesting to say.
Despite my belief that Star Trek: Into Darkness fights to stay average at best, the fat, suntan-less white men populating the theater ate the popcorn and this movie up. So, if you’re one of them or their fat girlfriends, waddle on down to your local cinaplex ASAP. Just be prepared for the horrific oversight of no Boba OR Jango Fett.
