Unlike some film review outfits that provide arbitrary scores without any explanation, we pair our arbitrary scores with an arbitrary acronym. Our new, foolproof system, the CHAMP (Comparative Hierarchal Analysis of Motion Pictures), relates any numerical score we give with a classic movie of corresponding quality. If you are unhappy with the acronym, you may kindly contact the folks at the Oxford English Dictionary to request that they improve the language.
CHAMP: Good Luck Chuck
Al Einstein postulated that energy is equivalent to mass multiplied by the square of the speed of light. This film forces a dramatic re-evaluation of that concept. While it certainly has a positive mass, its energy is some non-zero negative integer. It is sucking the life-energy out of the universe in all directions of the space-time continuum. If you make a calendar entry in your Palm Pilot titled “movie nite wit da boyz!!!”, and this is the movie, the device will mysteriously power down.
CHAMP: Men in Black 2
The Day the Music Died is widely considered to be the bleakest point in music history. The death of young up and coming artists shocked the world and sucked the innocence from the core of American society. The comparable day for the film industry was when this movie hit theatres, and all of its viewers were forced into lifetimes of solitude as hermits in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
CHAMP: The Day After Tomorrow
The film equivalent of the Fort Wayne Mad Ants. It’s inconsequential to your existence, and remains as anonymous as any stout white person walking the avenues of downtown Indianapolis while wearing a Jeff Saturday jersey.
CHAMP: Men in Black 3
The folks behind this gem are taking several mid-level filmmaking courses at a state extension school, two remedial English courses at community college, and nothing else. Associate of Arts in progress.
CHAMP: Avatar
John Lennon is quoted somewhere as saying “Love is all you need” (and its converse). Good concept. Unfortunately, these otherwise talented filmmakers didn’t get that memo. Movies, like a beautiful woman, need tender affection and gentle touch, however the producers failed to attend to this film’s insatiable desires.
CHAMP: Space Jam
Everyone needs a little light entertainment every once in a while, and this film fits the bill. Easy to watch and a little bit forgettable. It’s the solid brunch at Hardee’s before an afternoon out with your wife and two stepdaughters.
CHAMP: Top Gun
If you’re feeling a little bit down and the Zoloft hasn’t kicked in yet, hop in your ’02 Altima, head down to the local library’s computer center to book a theater seat online, print the ticket at the Staples copy center for three cents, buy ten dollars’ worth of gas with your pre-paid Discover debit card, drive to the cinema, pay the ugly kid in the visor for a medium popcorn and large diet Pibb, and sit your butt down to enjoy this movie. It’ll give you a fighting shot at making it through the day, wrists intact. Maybe Rachel will finally text you back tonight?
CHAMP: Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The Zach Randolph of film. Like Zebo, who brings it night in, night out, this movie can be viewed night in, night out. We here at Dueling Chaps personally own it on VHS, DVD, Blu-Ray, HD-DVD, and Laserdisc, plus our DVR has been unwilling to part with it. The soundtrack is currently blasting in each of our Bentley’s simultaneously, continuously, in perpetuity. When it airs on TBS, we tell our broads that we have prior commitments.
CHAMP: Men In Black
“Every genuine work of art has as much reason for being as the earth and the sun.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, as quoted in Civilization V: Gods and Kings (Windows 8 DirectX 10 version)
CHAMP: Schindler's List
One of the few life-changing films you will see. Heart-wrenching and soul-piercing. As far as moviemaking goes, it does not get much better than this…
