I envied the scores of children that could storm into the theater without hesitation, without the jaded malaise of a broken old man, and simply enjoy the latest expression of Pixar’s love for human creativity. Its unfortunate title though, Monsters University, simply carried too much emotional baggage for me, baggage heavier than any wide-eyed nine-year-old could possibly acquire in their short stint on the planet.

If you’re an avid reader of The Daily Mirror, then you are well-versed in my unfortunate “Monstrous Mix-Up” that stole the British headlines in the summer of 1997. In sum, I was on a Loch Ness boat tour for the eighth consecutive year, determined to capture the eponymous monster once and for all, after having viewed conclusive evidence of its existence. Sean Connery, Scotland’s breathing national epic, was on the tour as well, having just completed principal photography on Entrapment and looking to unwind. Also on the tour was a German couple. You see where this is headed. I wasn’t about to let the chance slip by to live out every male’s cinematic fantasy. I looked at Connery and nodded. He winked. I stood up, politely shoved the German woman aside, and grabbed her husband by his suspenders. “No ticket, mother****er!” I shrieked, as I punched him and threw him over the side. Needless to say, I am still banned from entering the UK and several other NATO signees. To this day, it still haunts me that I could not return later that year to attend Lady Di’s funeral, and have attempted to carry on her legacy by hauling a landmine sweeper with me wherever I go.

And if you’re one of the people that were repeatedly posting horrible things on my Facebook wall, then you know how my university experience played out. I had it coming, although to be fair to me, at least some of the blame for my abhorrent behavior should lay with my parents. Because of my family’s desperate economic circumstances, the government covered all of my tuition expenses. However, my parents, looking to raise my self-esteem out of its perpetual nadir, told me that I had been granted a full scholarship by the school. They didn’t tell me for what though, which should have raised my suspicions. I was inept at sports, due to a rare condition of having my dominant hand for the day being determined by whether or not I had a night terror the previous evening. Also, my academics weren’t exactly up to snuff; I performed so poorly in Spanish during my sophomore year of high school that they made me retake remedial English. Regardless, I bought into the scholarship story, and walked around the quad like I was Big Man on Campus. I got a bit too cocky with the ladies, and this was my social downfall. Incorrectly pegging my desirability level in the stratosphere, I would require all of my potential dates to submit to genetic testing to ensure they had a least an 85% probability of bearing male offspring. Word of my shenanigans spread, and it wasn’t long before I had to drop out of Grambling State, cementing my time at university as the darkest chapter of my life.

My spirits were lifted as soon as Monsters University kicked into gear though. The film’s main character, the little green ball of cycloptic cuteness Mike Wazowski, is voiced by Billy Bob Crystal, a man whose primary credits since the liberation of Kuwait include being a Clippers fan 4-life and hosting awards shows at which he is never nominated to receive an award. Yet, despite his failed career and advanced age, his delivery exudes all of the joyful energy one would expect out of the college freshman he is portraying. Mike Wazowski has enrolled at Monsters University, the elite higher education facility for monsters looking to earn their stripes as “scarers”. Scarers undertake the high-risk task of leaving the monster world and entering the human world, eliciting screams from children, which provide power for the monsters’ civilization. It’s The Matrix, except the children don’t have power cords hooked up to their vertebrae.

When Mike hops off the bus for freshman orientation, we are treated to a beautiful CGI-rendered campus that is more visually appealing than any real world example of Enlightenment-era Western architecture. Throughout the film, the most vibrant scenes are those taking place outdoors in daylight, showing off parts of the color spectrum that you’ve never seen before on the big screen.

This praise for the built environment however, does not extend to the monsters inhabiting the school. The characters are certainly colorful and diverse, but this does not make them interesting. Unlike premier Pixar entries, i.e. Toy Story and Wall-E, the characters in Monsters University do not have their genesis in fleeting flashes of creative genius. Once the “monsters” premise was established here, it seems as if they threw all the best concept drawings of non-human creatures up on a post-it board, picked the ones that would be the most marketable, and made those the main characters. Mike, the little green guy, fits perfectly in a McDonald’s Happy Meal sack, and Sulley, a big hairy Sasquatch, makes a great stuffed animal. The rest of the monsters on the drawing board are relegated to generic roles throughout the campus. To prove this point, see the movie; then, immediately as you leave the theater, try to think of as many Monsters University characters as you can, including their appearance, voice, demeanor, etc. You’ll quit after about 3.5. Then, try to remember as many Toy Story characters as you can. You’ll quickly find yourself in the double digits, even though that trilogy last hit theaters several years ago.

As Mike Wazowski walks onto campus the first time, he is greeted by the monstrous equivalents of real-life college characters, like the over-enthused RA and preppy frat guys. These are just a few of the many funny stereotypes that the adults will recognize throughout, but the characters don’t do much more than just being that stereotype; they aren’t especially funny. “Not especially funny” is an apt way to describe pretty much all of the movie; it’s all good, but no great comedic heights are reached. There are scores of chuckle moments, but zero laugh-out-loud moments. The serviceably good nature of the film also extends to the story. After the opening sequence of meeting all the zany characters around campus, the movie montages through the remainder of the first semester, cuz I guess nothing worth more than three seconds of screen time happens in a teenager’s first few months living away from home. After that, the plot becomes a dead rip-off of Old School, including a ragtag fraternity of misfits and a series of arbitrary challenges for them to complete in order to maintain their university standing.

All of the criticisms levied above though are rooted in the fact that this a Pixar movie, and thus transcendental excellence is expected. Since Monsters University is merely a flawlessly executed children’s movie, it is a disappointment. There likely won’t be any other film this year where every single frame has artistic merit, and every word is so well-placed and delivered it’s as if the whole movie was conceived as a choral hymn. However, a film that is an exercise in spectacular competence is not necessarily entertaining, and that’s what we’re paying for. What you remember in a movie are the inspired, mood-altering moments, and Monsters University has a serious dearth of those moments. At a minimum though, it should motivate you, as it did me, to head back to school for one more crack at a successful life. I refuse to be a loser from this day forward.