I almost didn’t enter the theater to see Man of Steel, upon a warning from a strange old man in a black trenchcoat and cap. He was not aware of my intentions, yet somehow knew to approach me. “Young man, are you planning on seeing the latest adventures of Clark Kent and Lois Lane today?” he asked in an old, worn, gravelly voice. As when any male approaches for conversation, I clenched my anus, preparing for the worst. Still though, I remained polite, just excited that someone would actually talk to me. “Yes!” I replied. “I’m looking forward to it very much.” The old man then queried a question I found quite odd. “Have you ever been to America, Britain, France, or Australia?” At this point, I’m having trouble containing my giddiness. “Yes!!!” I cried once again, “I have been to all of those countries! In fact, we’re in one of them right now!” The old man then left me with a final, cryptic warning. “If you have indeed been to those named nations, then I sincerely hope you took the time to attend one of the Grand Slam tennis events that takes place in each of them. If you have not, then turn away and never see Man of Steel.” He then disappeared into the fog that had engulfed the cinaplex.
That’s the last time I don’t comply with a creepy old man in a trenchcoat. Within seconds, his warning was fully understood with terrifying clarity by yours truly. Throughout Man of Steel¸ from very start to very finish, you do nothing but watch either Superman, his nemesis General Zod, or random pieces of debris, shoot back and forth across the screen at blistering pace. Up and down, left to right. The only thing that could prepare your head for such perpetual, un-relenting motion is sitting courtside at Wimbledon to watch Novak Djokovic launch the green orb, only to have Rafa immediately send it back at even greater velocity, and so on and so forth. If you’re watching Man of Steel (don’t), you should try to find some fixed point of light in the general vicinity of the screen to look at when you feel your eyes spaz out and neck go limp, jumping back into the action when ready. I was unable to do this though, as I undertook my normal routine of curling up in my sleeping bag directly under the screen, to really get into the film. As of this morning, the official word is that I dislocated several vertebrae in my neck and will never be able to eskimo kiss my hamster again.
Man of Steel makes huge assumptions about the Superman-related knowledge of the audience. If you are like most and are aware of the character but did not read the comics, having instead opted to develop your math and cognitive reasoning skills to prepare for our coming knowledge war with the Chinese and Finns, then you will be completely lost for at least the first fifteen minutes. They attempted to copy what many good movies do here, and just jump right into the action with minimal dramatic exposition, i.e. let the camera do the talking. It doesn’t work though. You’ll give up caring roughly halfway through the opening epileptic barrage spurred on by characters, events, and alien locations that you’ve never heard of.
Once the action shifts to Earth, things are easy enough to figure out. Clark Kent is an alien superhero living amongst mere mortals, and every day is a struggle for him to fit in. Here, it becomes pretty clear why the filmmakers opted for an inordinate supply of redundant action sequences; the characters simply don’t have anything interesting to say. There’s not a single exchange of dialogue one can point to and say “This scene defines the character of Superman, and any future installments in the franchise will have to be true to what we just witnessed.” There isn’t even a witty passing remark to exert a chuckle from the viewers and break the tension (although it’s not needed since there is no tension).
The narrative style chosen by the filmmakers is conducive to the minimalistic dialogue route they went with. For the brief segments when things aren’t blowing up, Clark Kent’s life story is told to us via a mixed chronology of events from his child and adult life. It comes across as a Terrence Malick-style attempt at using shifts in mood and tone instead of procedural dialogue to tell the story, but there’s never any mood or tone to shift; it’s just a random sampling of background information on Clark Kent. These were the scenes that needed time to breathe, not the action sequences. They could have easily shifted some of the 2.5 hour runtime away from action and toward the life-story part, though I suspect the filmmakers opted against it because their lack of writing chops would have been even more exposed. It’s a shame too, because these parts of the movie are visually stunning, set against the backdrop of a barren Kansas village in a perpetual state of hazy twilight.
Clark Kent is portrayed by Henry Cavill, who could be terrible/fine/great, but you just can’t tell based upon this movie. He certainly meets the physical prerequisites for the role, though the size of his biceps likely indicates that he has shrunken testicles. Cavill delivers his simplistic dialogue serviceably, and then has his stunt-double fill in so he can get smashed through a wall. The bulk of his takes presumably involved being suspended horizontally in front of a green screen and pumping his fists forward to simulate flight. Speaking of which, Superman’s stiff, streamlined flying technique would seem to indicate that aerodynamics is an issue he must deal with, regardless of his powers. Why the cape then? It does nothing but create drag. You can only watch that thing flap violently in the wind for so long before screaming at the screen for him to take it off. As with Cavill, Amy Adams is not given much to work with in her role as Clark Kent’s cohort-to-be Lois Lane, but she’s just so darn cute that she single-handedly ups the review score by two points.
I’d like to tell you even more, but I’m afraid I’ll have to cut this one short given the physical condition that the breakneck action has left me in. If you’ve wasted your life looking at erotic drawings of hulking men in form-fitting blue tights, then I’m sure Man of Steel will be worth the price of admission. Keep telling your wife that you’re not thinking of Henry Cavill’s backside as you close your eyes and reluctantly enter her frontside. And don’t worry. I’m sure your children appreciate having no college fund so you could panic-bid on a Joe Shuster-signed Action Comics #1. Enjoy whatever assisted living facility Medicare ends up picking for you.