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Man of Steel
Release Date: June 14, 2013
Reviewed: June 19, 2013, 9:52 p.m.
Man of Steel image Not pictured: Henry Cavill, star of Man of Steel (he’s British)
Get Lasik.
I Got a Review Full of Kryptonite
By: Christian Treubig
Man of Steel image
Couldn’t give these guys an audition, huh?

I almost didn’t enter the theater to see Man of Steel, upon a warning from a strange old man in a black trenchcoat and cap. He was not aware of my intentions, yet somehow knew to approach me. “Young man, are you planning on seeing the latest adventures of Clark Kent and Lois Lane today?” he asked in an old, worn, gravelly voice. As when any male approaches for conversation, I clenched my anus, preparing for the worst. Still though, I remained polite, just excited that someone would actually talk to me. “Yes!” I replied. “I’m looking forward to it very much.” The old man then queried a question I found quite odd. “Have you ever been to America, Britain, France, or Australia?” At this point, I’m having trouble containing my giddiness. “Yes!!!” I cried once again, “I have been to all of those countries! In fact, we’re in one of them right now!” The old man then left me with a final, cryptic warning. “If you have indeed been to those named nations, then I sincerely hope you took the time to attend one of the Grand Slam tennis events that takes place in each of them. If you have not, then turn away and never see Man of Steel.” He then disappeared into the fog that had engulfed the cinaplex.

That’s the last time I don’t comply with a creepy old man in a trenchcoat. Within seconds, his warning was fully understood with terrifying clarity by yours truly. Throughout Man of Steel¸ from very start to very finish, you do nothing but watch either Superman, his nemesis General Zod, or random pieces of debris, shoot back and forth across the screen at blistering pace. Up and down, left to right. The only thing that could prepare your head for such perpetual, un-relenting motion is sitting courtside at Wimbledon to watch Novak Djokovic launch the green orb, only to have Rafa immediately send it back at even greater velocity, and so on and so forth. If you’re watching Man of Steel (don’t), you should try to find some fixed point of light in the general vicinity of the screen to look at when you feel your eyes spaz out and neck go limp, jumping back into the action when ready. I was unable to do this though, as I undertook my normal routine of curling up in my sleeping bag directly under the screen, to really get into the film. As of this morning, the official word is that I dislocated several vertebrae in my neck and will never be able to eskimo kiss my hamster again.

Man of Steel makes huge assumptions about the Superman-related knowledge of the audience. If you are like most and are aware of the character but did not read the comics, having instead opted to develop your math and cognitive reasoning skills to prepare for our coming knowledge war with the Chinese and Finns, then you will be completely lost for at least the first fifteen minutes. They attempted to copy what many good movies do here, and just jump right into the action with minimal dramatic exposition, i.e. let the camera do the talking. It doesn’t work though. You’ll give up caring roughly halfway through the opening epileptic barrage spurred on by characters, events, and alien locations that you’ve never heard of.

Once the action shifts to Earth, things are easy enough to figure out. Clark Kent is an alien superhero living amongst mere mortals, and every day is a struggle for him to fit in. Here, it becomes pretty clear why the filmmakers opted for an inordinate supply of redundant action sequences; the characters simply don’t have anything interesting to say. There’s not a single exchange of dialogue one can point to and say “This scene defines the character of Superman, and any future installments in the franchise will have to be true to what we just witnessed.” There isn’t even a witty passing remark to exert a chuckle from the viewers and break the tension (although it’s not needed since there is no tension).

The narrative style chosen by the filmmakers is conducive to the minimalistic dialogue route they went with. For the brief segments when things aren’t blowing up, Clark Kent’s life story is told to us via a mixed chronology of events from his child and adult life. It comes across as a Terrence Malick-style attempt at using shifts in mood and tone instead of procedural dialogue to tell the story, but there’s never any mood or tone to shift; it’s just a random sampling of background information on Clark Kent. These were the scenes that needed time to breathe, not the action sequences. They could have easily shifted some of the 2.5 hour runtime away from action and toward the life-story part, though I suspect the filmmakers opted against it because their lack of writing chops would have been even more exposed. It’s a shame too, because these parts of the movie are visually stunning, set against the backdrop of a barren Kansas village in a perpetual state of hazy twilight.

Clark Kent is portrayed by Henry Cavill, who could be terrible/fine/great, but you just can’t tell based upon this movie. He certainly meets the physical prerequisites for the role, though the size of his biceps likely indicates that he has shrunken testicles. Cavill delivers his simplistic dialogue serviceably, and then has his stunt-double fill in so he can get smashed through a wall. The bulk of his takes presumably involved being suspended horizontally in front of a green screen and pumping his fists forward to simulate flight. Speaking of which, Superman’s stiff, streamlined flying technique would seem to indicate that aerodynamics is an issue he must deal with, regardless of his powers. Why the cape then? It does nothing but create drag. You can only watch that thing flap violently in the wind for so long before screaming at the screen for him to take it off. As with Cavill, Amy Adams is not given much to work with in her role as Clark Kent’s cohort-to-be Lois Lane, but she’s just so darn cute that she single-handedly ups the review score by two points.

I’d like to tell you even more, but I’m afraid I’ll have to cut this one short given the physical condition that the breakneck action has left me in. If you’ve wasted your life looking at erotic drawings of hulking men in form-fitting blue tights, then I’m sure Man of Steel will be worth the price of admission. Keep telling your wife that you’re not thinking of Henry Cavill’s backside as you close your eyes and reluctantly enter her frontside. And don’t worry. I’m sure your children appreciate having no college fund so you could panic-bid on a Joe Shuster-signed Action Comics #1. Enjoy whatever assisted living facility Medicare ends up picking for you.

SCORE (Out of 10):
2
Get Lasik.
Forget what you know about Superman
By: Steve Loori
Man of Steel image
Be forewarned: this movie has nothing to do with Andrew Carnegie

Let me start by saying that I am a gigantic Superman nut. I have read countless Superman comic books, my nickname on the track team in high school was Superman, and I dress up as Clark Kent most years for Halloween (see, it’s really easy, I wear fake glasses and a half-buttoned dress shirt with a Superman t-shirt underneath… money in the bank). A few years back I was very apprehensive going into the theatre at midnight to see Superman Returns, as my eternal fanboy status could not bear to see anything done that would change the Superman lore one iota. I was right to be so apprehensive though, since the movie was terrible. I remember saying to my friends, “Brandon Routh, I don’t know. He looks like he will make a good Clark Kent but a bad Superman”. Surely enough, I hit the nail right on the head. This time around I did not know what to think. I had no preconceived notions and I did not go to a midnight show, instead opting to take my own Ma and Pa out on Father’s Day for a nice 3D film spectacular. A strange thing happened on that Sunday morning: Man of Steel changes everything about the Superman character, replacing it with a real world, more modernized version of the tale. And while watching it the fanboy inside of me vanished, and I embraced this new view of Big Blue. It was a strange phenomenon, one that I never saw coming.

I’m a purist. I will be the first person to say, “Yea it was OK, but it’s not as good as the original”. I order the same sandwiches at the same places every time I’m hungry and I consistently live by the old adage “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. Man of Steel takes everything I just said and throws a wrench right into its gears, and I kind of like the implosion. We can start by taking a look at the planet of Krypton. There are crazy explosions, and dinosaur like lizard-birds that seem to replace cars. The place is completely unlike Earth with the exception being that Kryptonians resemble Earthlings. And that’s how Krypton should be! It should not be anything like Earth! It’s a different planet with entirely different civilizations having given rise to wildly different technologies and tactics and life as a whole. It’s something so simple that has never been explained quite like this, and Man of Steel only begins to rewrite the Superman mythos with Krypton. Gone from this film are Kryptonite, Jimmy Olsen (who is replaced by a new, cute Jenny Olsen played by Rebecca Buller and is never properly introduced), the Perry White you thought you knew as he is now played by Larry Fishburne (Morpheus has let himself go), and you never really hear the names “Metropolis” or “Smallville” said out loud, though they are written in a lot of places, and instead Kansas is played up very highly to give a more realistic feel to the setting. Most notably, Lex Luthor is absent from the whole movie with the exception of “LexCorp” (the supervillain’s super business name) appearing on a big truck that explodes during a citywide brawl. And these are only some of the large scale changes in the film.

Where Man of Steel really shines is with its star. Henry Cavill plays the titular character and he does so with a quality that has been missing on the big screen for the past two or three decades (Thank God Nic Cage’s Superman film never panned out). He brings an innocence and strength, radiating through a confident, blue-eyed stare that would make Sinatra jealous. Not to mention that he is outlandishly jacked. Cavill plays the Man of Tomorrow in his own way, rather than attempting to redo Christopher Reeve’s version of the character, which is a success. Man of Steel sets itself apart by showing Kal-El’s development – not Clark Kent’s or Superman’s. That may be confusing, as all of those characters are the same person, but let me explain. Kal-El is an alien, lost in a world that he, and his father, knows will never truly accept him. He does not just become Superman and everything is gravy, he leaves home and hides in seclusion as a recluse all across the northwestern United States and possibly Canada. This separates Kal-El as an alien but also humanizes him, making him more relatable for the average person than past representations of the Superman character. It makes you introspective, wondering what you would do if you, or your child, had these incomprehensible gifts.

As Man of Steel continues, we are shown flashes of Kal-El’s childhood as Clark Kent, and we see his relationship with his parents growing stronger and stronger. Jonathan ‘Pa’ Kent is played by the ever-aging star of Tin Cup, Kevin Costner, who exhibits a wonderful mixture of smalltown farmer and bigtime emotion. You see genuine compassion in Costner every time he is on screen, and an overwhelming will to do good, which is where Clark gets his conscience (and it is also why Superman does good and we are doing well). Diane Lane plays Martha ‘Ma’ Kent and is just adorable. For Superman’s Kryptonian father, Jore-El (who was once played by Marlon Brando, the king of acting), Russell Crowe was cast. Crowe, who I ordinarily do not care for, does a swell job in early action sequences, while delivering firm and clear oration as the movie continues and he guides his son with words. Michael Shannon plays General Zod and, though not my ideal choice for the role, he has plenty of villainy in his demeanor to do a fine job. Amy Adams plays love interest Lois Lane and leaves you with a Switzerland-like apathy toward her performance.

The most intriguing thing about Man of Steel for me is the clear parallels drawn to Jesus of Nazareth by the writers. In the movie, Kal-El is born through an unprecedented birth on Krypton, as he is the only child born of a natural sequence in over one-thousand years. Later, as Clark Kent he leaves his home in Kansas during his teens and little is known about him after. He performs various miraculous feats while in seclusion, each of which becomes their own local legend. At thirty-three he returns to the fray to be the savior of the planet which is in clear peril when General Zod asks for him specifically to come forward and give himself for all of humankind. In his confusion, Clark seeks out a local priest to discuss his quandary. In addition, the name Kal-El is Hebrew for “Voice of God”, a strange and phenomenal tie to the Almighty that Jesus Christ, the Word of God, matches. I don’t know if any of this was intentional, but it seems awfully interesting and coincidental. This also means that there is a new Jewish superhero in town (sorry Adam Goldberg ).

Regardless of how you view Man of Steel, it is clearly the makeover that Superman needed, and the Superman movie that the world needed. The most uber of nerdy fanboys will lose their religion over the ending, but in all seriousness the Big Blue Boyscout was in dire need of some updating. This is not the take on the character that appeared in Action Comics seventy-five years ago. This is a brand new take on the character, and one that was necessary. It upsets me when the best take on Krypton’s last son from the past two decades was made in a fifteen-minute fun short by Max Landis ) , though it is a joy to watch and I recommend it to anyone who was stuck reading Superman comics in the early 90’s. No matter what is said about Man of Steel, the real truth is that the character was made eighty years ago by high schoolers during the Great Depression. If you don’t think that the character of Superman should be brought up to our modern world, then you are probably reading this using Internet Explorer and you no doubt struggle to understand the concept of tabbed web-browsing.

SCORE (Out of 10):
8
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