Here at DuelingChaps.com, we strive for full disclosure at every turn, so you are aware of any potential conflicts of interest in our film ratings. In the case of The Internship, I must inform the readers that I applied for a student internship at Google in 2007, and was promptly rejected. That evil corporation plays a heavy role in the film, and therefore may negatively bias my review. For context, I have attached a copy of my application cover letter below:

Dear Sergey and/or Larry:

Please accept this letter as a brief addendum to my attached application for Google’s 2007 Student Internship IT Rotation Program. I apologize for sending this via traditional post, however my township library’s computer lab has been closed for renovations since the big fire.

You may notice that my resume seemingly lacks many of the qualifications traditionally sought in new entrants to high-tech industries. I seek to allay your concerns regarding those perceived shortcomings.

To start, let me own up to the fact that I did not lay hands on a computer until Thanksgiving 2004, when I was watching Good Morning America and just couldn’t wait until the top of the hour to find out if Bush pardoned the turkey.

Since then, I have been a willful and steady learner of all things tech. Within months, I had setup two AIM profiles, one for my cool friends and another for the ones that would talk to me. I had not yet been made aware of the existence of search engines, so when I needed to find something on the web, I would message a random friend on my buddy list. That person would then send me the pertinent URLs via a WordPad doc in an e-mail attachment. Sure, there was some downtime here, but hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

However, once I found out that the information I needed could be had simply by googling “Melissa Joan Hart Drive Me Crazy same guy Entourage”, I decided right then and there that I had to be a part of your prestigious enterprise. I even came up with a project that I might pursue if accepted as an intern. I am a big admirer of Google’s new “autocomplete” feature when typing a search query. However, it does have one major shortcoming; it seems to suggest that virtually every famous male is gay, regardless of the users’ input. This must be corrected. Therefore, I propose that I can spend the summer months travelling the nation (backed by a small stipend from Google) to determine if these men really are gay. I’ll postpone the discussion of my specific techniques until at least the third-round interview, but let’s just say I’m willing to take one for the team.

Regards,
Christian Treubig
ilovemilkshakesandcrackers@hotmail.com

P.S. Please forward my attached contact information, along with the nude self-photos, to Marissa Mayer.

Now that my tenuous history with Google is out in the open, I can move on to reviewing The Internship for our seven fans. For the second time in the lives of most of us, eight years on from Wedding Crashers, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson have teamed up to play characters that could double as the ultimate suicide prevention team. If their movie careers begin to flail after The Internship (they very well may), then this is a service they should provide gratis to the nation. I’ll provide an example. Let’s say your girlfriend of eight months just broke up with you because she was feeling trapped and needed some space to explore what she really wanted in a relationship. Needless to say, you’re feeling a little down. Add in the fact that your boss just cut you down to 35 hours a week at the sharpie cap factory, and pretty soon you’re deciding between a rope, a 9mm, and two bottles of Bayer.

Enter Owen and Vinnie, knocking on your door right when you’re at the brink. Owen will soften you up first:

“Nate, nice to meet you. I’m Owen. Is it ok if I call you Nate? It says Nathan here on the form, but I like to be casual with my new best friends. Look, I know you’re girlfriend dumped you. And it sucks, man. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there, believe me. Women are great. They complete us, and when they go away, you can’t help but feel that a part of you is missing and that the world is just throwing everything it’s got at ya. But we all bounce back and move on to our next great love. And I have no doubt, Nate, that this is a blessing in disguise.”

Then Vince closes the deal:

“What time you got, Owen? 10:30? We’re late. Nate, put on your best loafers and button-down. Don’t worry about your hair, you’re beautiful. My boy Geno’s pickin’ us up in his limo. Stretch. He drives hard and drives fast but he ain’t gonna wait for nobody, even you Nate. Where we goin’? Well that was gonna be a surprise, but if you insist on me spoilin’ it, we’re goin’ to the Conga Room. Bottle service, VIP, lots of ladies. What’s your ex’s name? Hannah? Say it one more time. Boom, good job. That’s the last time you’ll ever say it. You know why? You gotta make space in that brain for a new name, Charlotte. Who’s she? Cocktail waitress. Single, hot, workin’ tonight. You’re gettin’ her number by last call. Trust me, she’ll be spinnin’ you in her web all night long. You got me, Nate?”

Wilson and Vaughn have been nurturing their signature vocal delivery for a long time, since Bottle Rocket/Armageddon for Owen, and Swingers for Vince. Their banter is omnipresent throughout The Internship (if it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be much point in making this movie). Owen, an ageless wonder, is still as sweet as a glass of OJ in the morning sun. He makes me wish there were more daughters out there, so they could marry him. Vince on the other hand, has lost a step (along with some dermal elasticity). The many years of high-energy delivery have caught up with decaying body, and he can’t get to the end of his inspirational kick-yourself-in-the-ass monologues without losing his breath. I guess years of smoking and womanizing will do that to you.

Instead of prowling for nubile bridesmaids, this time around Vince and Owen head off to Google’s Silicon Valley campus as unpaid student interns, after being laid-off from their prior occupations as wristwatch salesmen. So how did they make the crazy career transition? Well, in a brilliant plot maneuver, Vince randomly decides to apply for an internship at Google. That’s it. They fulfill the “student” requirement of “student internship” by enrolling at the University of Phoenix. The fact that they pulled off this feat with such ease was a bit of a slap in the face to me, as the best I could do was get waitlisted for their Associate Of Arts in General Studies program.

The point of the internship is to land a full time position at the firm, a prize that will only be granted to one of the dozens of intern teams competing in a series of pointless challenges (think Old School here, except anyone in the main clique not played by Vince Vaughn or something-Wilson is a stale, useless character). Whether or not Vaughn/Wilson are successful at a challenge is determined by where in the runtime it occurs, so as to build the appropriate narrative tension.

There are plenty of trademark Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson highlights throughout, but they are much fewer and farther between than in their prior cinematic efforts. These guys can’t do the dunk contest anymore. It’s getting late in the game for these guys, and while Owen seems to be settling comfortably into his middle-aged career, I worry about Vince. While this last effort was serviceable, he may try to hold onto his former glory for too long. He’s a surefire first-ballot selection for the Comedy Hall of Fame, but any more substandard movies like this one may tarnish his legacy. I don’t want to see a fifty-year old Vince Vaughn still trying to keep up with the young guns. You’ve done well. Now let’s start to power down and get more oatmeal in your diet.